hospital

is it justifiable to give someone treatments for a disease when it has eaten the insides of the body? can the body regenerate for the sake of others so they dont have to let go?

watching my grandfather with tubes coming out his chest and abdomen it makes me wonder if all the technology we have is a good thing? when we kill the insides to squeeze a few more days or weeks are we getting more life out of someone or is it just extended moments because we don't want to let go?

the body pulverizes the interior while the exterior remains the same. "You know it is really hard to think he is so sick when he looks good." how do you handle this or respond to the wife, your grandmother? how do you tell her that even though we keep coming up here and that he ate all his jello - he is still going die within the month? if he even makes it to that point?

how do you deal with death? it happens every day and you know that it will happen to you, but the letting go - the reality that someone won't be there any more, but their smell, their clothes, the places you used to go to together - their favorite foods will still be at the grocery store. you can't make that go away - how do you mitigate that pain?

that is what keep bothering me the most - how will she just get used to being alone? how will we all do family things anymore when he won't be around? who is going to complain and ask for shrimp cocktail when he knows full and well we are at a mexican restaurant? who is going to ask the waiter if he is single so he can try and set him up with my sister or me since we haven't gotten married yet?

how do you keep from not feeling guilty for never letting him see your wedding or your children bc you just havent found that person yet?

why are hospital waiting rooms full of uncomforatable chairs and vending machines loaded with artery clogging foods? shouldn't there be exercise bikes and fruit machines so the living people can help themselves live longer? and what about a punching bag so you can release all your anger and hate on everything around because you have to lose someone you love?

these probably aren't exceptionally deep ideas or thoughts, but since this is the closest person to me that I am in the process of losing - these are my current thoughts.